FRED ALLEN QUOTES
American comedian (1894-1956)
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
attributed
John Robert Colombo's Popcorn in Paradise
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns. He should be drawn and quoted.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Dictionary of Quotations in Communications
The paths of glory lead but to the grave--also the paths of ignominy, profligacy and skullduggery.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Books: Their History, Art, Power, Glory, Infamy and Suffering According to Their Creators, Friends and Enemies
In show business, more showgirls are kept than promises.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Raised on Radio
She used to be a schoolteacher, but she has no class now.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado about Me
An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
FRED ALLEN
Treadmill to Oblivion
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
The British Board of Censors will not pass any seduction scene unless the seducer has one foot on the floor. Apparently sex in England is something like snooker.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Vaudeville is dead. The acrobats, the animal acts, the dancers, the singers, and the old-time comedians have taken their final bows and disappeared into the wings of obscurity. For fifty years--from 1875 to 1925--vaudeville was the popular entertainment of the masses. Nomadic tribes of nondescript players roamed the land. The vaudeville actor was part gypsy and part suitcase. With his brash manner, flashy clothes, capes and cane, and accompanied by his gaudy womenfolk, the vaudevillian brought happiness and excitement to the communities he visited.
FRED ALLEN
Much Ado About Me
A psychiatrist is the next man you start talking to after you start talking to yourself.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
He was so narrow minded that if he fell on a pin it would blind him in both eyes.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition
After quitting radio I was able to live on the money I saved on aspirin.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, 20,000 Quips & Quotes
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
FRED ALLEN
American Magazine, Dec. 1945
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, Between You and Me: The Professional's Guide to Interpersonal Communication
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
FRED ALLEN
attributed, The Mammoth Book of Zingers, Quips, and One-Liners