MILTON BERLE QUOTES

American comedian (1908-2002)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, For Better and For Worse: The Best Quotes about Marriage


If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, POWER Optimism

Tags: opportunity


Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!"

MILTON BERLE

attributed, Los Angeles Magazine, Jun. 2005

Tags: Los Angeles


Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

MILTON BERLE

attributed, Humor from the Net

Tags: Adam & Eve


I'll show you a lucky man--his secretary's lipstick is the same color as his wife's!

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


Laughter is an instant vacation.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, The Educator's Book of Quotes

Tags: laughter


I'm 83, and I feel like a 20-year-old, but unfortunately there's never one around.

MILTON BERLE

interview for It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World


Nostalgia is longing for a place you'd never move back to.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


When he got a divorce, he and his wife split the house. He got the outside.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


God isn't dead. He's just getting a second opinion.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because
a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star.
I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been,
by far; for a might-have been has never been,
but a has was once an are.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Inspirational Quotes


Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, Seeds of Happiness

Tags: money


You know you're in L.A. when you put air in your tires and they cough.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


Bagel: a doughnut dipped in cement, a Jewish brass-knuckle.

MILTON BERLE

The Terre Haute Star, March 28, 1958


Divorce is the future tense of marriage.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File

Tags: divorce


What is this, an audience or an oil painting?

MILTON BERLE

attributed, sComedy


Repartee is what you wish you'd said.

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File


The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

MILTON BERLE

attributed, quotefancy


I pay my alimony on the button. I'm afraid that if I don't, my ex-wife will repossess me!

MILTON BERLE

Milton Berle's Private Joke File