American comedian (1948- )
Money is tight these days, and with the current budget, you have to have a bullet for a head to get so much as a dime.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that sh*tty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
During this pandemic I spend all day playing hide and seek with my sense of humor.
LEWIS BLACK
Facebook, April 22, 2020
You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence what it does ... it's illegal!
LEWIS BLACK
Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues
I should have known earlier about President Bush, but I gave him some rope -- a lot of rope, and then he hung all of us with it. I should have known it when I heard him say "When it comes to evolution, the jury is still out." What jury, where? The Scopes Trial is over.
LEWIS BLACK
Red, White, and Screwed
Everybody knew there was a housing bubble. You'd f***ing go to a neighbor, "Gee, that house costed $60,000 last year, and now it costs $600,000?! What did they do?!" "Well, they put a gazebo in the back."
LEWIS BLACK
Stark Raving Black
I really don't enjoy doing comedy as much as I used to ... It's just tough to be funny when everything is going so great.
LEWIS BLACK
Twitter, February 17, 2020
Life gets old very quickly, until of course they tell you your number is up, which is when you start paying attention to the precious miracle you are about to lose.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
Let's face it, we're talking fear here. Fear of the unknown and fear of a known that makes no real sense without some unifying principle that allows us to sleep at night. Organized religions organize themselves around that fear. Each claims to be the one true way to get to heaven. The ultimate fear, of course, is--which door is going to be the gateway to heaven? Door number one or door number two or door number three?
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
Each of us is full of sh*t in our own special way. We are all sh*tty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith
I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
Halfway through the winter, I decided I didn't want to be a comic anymore. I wanted to be a bear. Because bears are more evolved. It gets cold, and what does the bear do? He goes, "Well, I'm going to bed! This blows!" And then it gets warm and he goes, "Well, f***, time to wake up!"
LEWIS BLACK
Rules of Engagement
There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!
LEWIS BLACK
Anticipation
You see what I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada...because THAT'S where the cold air comes from!
LEWIS BLACK
Black on Broadway
People always say things happen for a reason, until they disagree with the reason it happened.
LEWIS BLACK
I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas
I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.
LEWIS BLACK
Nothing's Sacred
If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself.
LEWIS BLACK
attributed, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Quintessential Collection of Notable Quotables
The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. F***, I'm at SCHOOL! Can we say it again? I need a second cup."
LEWIS BLACK
Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues
A virus doesn't understand politics.
LEWIS BLACK
Twitter, March 9, 2020
I have a pretty good idea that when I am given the final countdown I will not go gentle into that good night. No matter how logical a mind one possesses, when faced with the concept of a black hole without end the synapses rev into overdrive, leaving logic in the dust.
LEWIS BLACK
Me of Little Faith