I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Did you know that Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist? By the way, Nixon isn't worried about the gas shortage and that's understandable, of course. Everything's downhill for him.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.

If God didn't want men to hunt, he wouldn't have given him plaid shirts.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

People pay more to be entertained that educated.

An oxymoron?... What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

President Reagan just signed a new law, but I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, "Best wishes, Ronald Reagan."

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan's advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is stil in.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Before the show tonight, a sweet, elderly lady came up to me and says, "You know, I'd like to capture you on canvas." I says, "You mean, you'd like to paint my portrait?" And she says, "No, I've got an army cot in my Winnebago.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Did any of you stay up all night to watch the royal wedding? It was really sweet, wasn't it? Fairy tale romance. To bad they had to spoil it and get married.

Our own Fred de Cordova was a passenger on the Titanic, a lot of people don't know that. Fred escaped by using a little old lady as a flotation device.

And so it has come to this: I, uh ... am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it. I want to thank the gentlemen who've shared this stage with me for thirty years, Mr. Ed McMahon ... Mr. Doc Severinsen ... and ... you people watching, I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you—and I hope when I find something that I want to do, and I think you would like, and come back, that you'll be as gracious in inviting me into your home as you have been. I bid you a very heartfelt good night.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.