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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Housekeeping Hints
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women
I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
I'm the woman who used to think that middle-age spread was a cocktail dip.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Merv Griffin Show, Aug. 12, 1965
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, The Little Giant Encyclopedia of Inspirational Quotes
You know you're getting old when your back starts going out more than you do.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Housekeeping Hints
I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Woman's Day, Aug. 2011
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Women in Comedy
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Make 'em Laugh: The Funny Business of America
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Laffirmations
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Women Know Everything!: 3,241 Quips, Quotes & Brilliant Remarks
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Put Your House on a Diet
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Women Know Everything!: 3,241 Quips, Quotes & Brilliant Remarks
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -- as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER, attributed, Funny Ladies: The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women
The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Women Know Everything!
I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
I admit I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Snark Handbook: Parenting Edition
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Women Know Everything!
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012
I found a money back guarantee on a beauty cream. Rushed down to the store. They took one look at me and paid me in advance.
PHYLLIS DILLER, stand-up routine, 1978
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER, "Phyllis Diller's Best One-Liners," CBS News, Aug. 21, 2012
It's a good thing beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed our water bed Lake Placid.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Women Know Everything!
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER, "Phyllis Diller's Best One-Liners," CBS News, Aug. 21, 2012
I was thirty years old and my mother was still trying to get an abortion.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012
My mother hated me. Once, she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Snark Handbook: Parenting Edition
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
PHYLLIS DILLER, Women Know Everything!
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
Most children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Snark Handbook: Parenting Edition
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Peninsula Daily News, Aug. 21, 2012
Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
There is such a build-up of crud in my oven there is only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said
I'm 18 years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER, Women Know Everything!
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER, The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes
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