quotations to make you laugh
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
RAY FOLEY
Beer is the Answer ... I Don't Remember the Question
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I Have a Pony
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Nov. 1, 2011
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Jan. 31, 2012
I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.
HOMER SIMPSON
The Simpsons
Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you" to dessert that night. And for what?!
ERMA BOMBECK
Woman's Day Magazine, Nov. 13, 2007
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
JOHNNY CARSON
The Tonight Show
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER
attributed, Women in Comedy
Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
JIMMY KIMMEL
Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 10, 2011
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it -- aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Good Housekeeping, Oct. 2011
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
PETER M. PLANTEC
Virtual Humans: A Build-it-yourself Kit
Beauty is Nature in perfection; circularity is its chief attribute. Behold the full moon, the enchanting golf ball, the domes of splendid temples, the huckleberry pie, the wedding ring, the circus ring, the ring for the waiter, and the "round" of drinks.
O. HENRY
"Squaring the Circle"
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
DOUG LARSON
attributed, Words from the Wise
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
ANONYMOUS
I tried to hang myself with bungie cords. I kept almost dying.
STEVEN WRIGHT
I Still Have a Pony