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I learn things from my kids constantly. Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.
JIMMY KIMMEL, TV Guide, June 12-18
If I was president, I’d freeze everyone in carbonite until the job market improves. It worked for Han Solo.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 14, 2011
A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I’m pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Nov. 1, 2011
Here’s what I don’t understand about rioting. If you’re going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 10, 2011
Lady Gaga is here, and I’m not sure what she’s wearing but all the Post-it notes are missing from my office.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Jul. 28, 2011
All my money is tied up in Skee ball tickets.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 4, 2011
McDonald’s has announced that for the next month in the United Kingdom, Happy Meals will come with a book instead of a toy. And they will be renamed "Disappointment Meals."
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Jan. 12, 2012
The number of households that own a television set is down for the first time since they started the survey. This is America! The only excuse for not having a TV in your home is, you're too fat to fit into Best Buy to get one.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Dec. 1, 2011
The World Economic Forum, which ranks economies, moved the United States down to 5th place. But we’re still the fattest, so that’s good.... Switzerland came in 1st place. I guess those little army knives are selling like crazy.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 9, 2011
Hollywood police used “non-lethal bean bags” to control a crowd that was rioting. Is there such a thing as lethal bean bags? If the riot escalated, they were authorized to switch to Marshmallow Peeps.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Jul. 28, 2011
A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 17, 2011
President Obama plans to create thousands of new jobs by replacing all automobile GPS systems with real people who sit in the back seat with a map.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 8, 2011
The military’s controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell“ policy was officially retired. This marks a new age of tolerance, acceptance, and awkward showering for everyone in the military. I think this will have an effect on our enemies. Be warned, evildoers. First we will defeat you, then we will redecorate your entire country.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 20, 2011
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Oct. 31, 2011
Power outages are like being grounded by God. You can’t do anything fun.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 9, 2011
It’s President Obama’s birthday. I can’t believe it’s been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 4, 2011
We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don’t we just give them Florida?
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Aug. 8, 2011
During the Republican debate, every time they mentioned Ronald Reagan, I ate a jelly bean. And now I have type 2 diabetes.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 7, 2011
I miss the days when Halloween was a simple holiday about making ritual sacrifices to evil spirits to ensure a plentiful harvest.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Oct. 27, 2011
How can you ever be late for anything in London? They have a huge clock right in the middle of the town.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 5, 2013
Easter is on Sunday. Americans buy an estimated $120 million pounds of candy for Easter every year. I hope Jesus comes back as a dentist.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 28, 2013
Yes, Jesus rose from the dead. No, he's not a zombie.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 28, 2013
Some teenagers are reportedly drinking hand sanitizer to get drunk. Remember when Zima was the most embarrassing thing to drink? Teenagers have been turning up with alcohol poisoning and officials are worried it will become a national trend. Drinking hand sanitizer is of particular concern because Purell is considered to be a gateway soap. Purell could lead to lime cascade or scrubbing bubbles. The kids use salt to separate the alcohol from the sanitizer, which makes a liquid similar to a hard shot of liquor. You know what else is similar to a shot of hard liquor? A shot of hard liquor. Why not just steal a shot of liquor from your parent's liquor cabinet and refill it with iced tea like normal American kids, or pay a homeless guy to buy it for you like our forefathers did?
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Apr. 24, 2012
Valentine's Day: the day women all around the world wait eagerly to discover the new and wonderful ways their husbands and boyfriends will disappoint them.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, February 11, 2016
There's a Goodwill store in Sarasota, Florida where they're asking people who have been through a breakup recently to donate their ex's old belongings for Valentine's Day. It's a great idea. They should rename themselves GoodRiddance instead of Goodwill.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, February 11, 2016
In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 2010
We're now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine's Day is a test. It's a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, February 8, 2017
Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, January 25, 2017
Speaking of prisoners, this should be an interesting Valentine's Day at the White House. For instance, will Donald Trump get flowers from Vladimir Putin? We don't know. And what about his wife Melania? Will they spend the night together or will she remain trapped like Rapunzel at their apartment in New York? Melania has a new line of greeting cards. They carry them at CVS: "Happy Valentine’s Day" (open it) "Save Me."
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, February 8, 2017
Thirty thousand kids and their parents participated in the annual White House Easter Egg Roll, which has been going on for years. At this point there has to be thousands of undiscovered Easter eggs on the lawn of the White House. Future civilizations will think we were ruled by chickens.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Apr. 9, 2012
Today Lindsay Lohan's judge switched her from formal probation to informal probation for her shoplifting arrest. Informal probation is similar to formal probation but you can wear flip-flops.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Mar. 29, 2012
Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Oct. 31, 2011
I have a strict policy. I will not and do not publicize unsubstantiated rumors about anyone — unless they're very funny.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Nov. 2, 2011
Valentine's Day is weird. A nude flying baby that shoots arrows isn't a holiday. It's a horror movie.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Feb. 13, 2012
On Valentine's Day, Americans spend $367 million on their pets. That seems like a waste. You don't need to wine and dine your dog. Either way, he's going to hump your leg.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Feb. 14, 2012
Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, October 5, 2017
A group of politicians want to replace the dollar bill with a coin. Rappers would be out of business. You can't make it rain with coins. People would get hurt. Strippers would have to wear fanny packs. You can't fill up a thong with coins. Get rid of the penny. If it's not worth bending over for, it's not worth making.
JIMMY KIMMEL, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Sep. 2011
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