JAY LENO QUOTES II
American comedian & television host (1950- )
I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 4, 2008
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it's possible that "less than no one" thinks they're doing a good job.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 6, 2011
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 19, 2007
Senator Chris Dodd unveiled his plan to reduce corruption in the Senate. He's retiring.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 6, 2010
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 21, 2012
The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 26, 2012
A 66-year-old deputy U. S. attorney general in South Carolina named Roland Corning lost his job after police discovered him at a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. To be fair, people do grieve differently.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 29, 2009
A New York doctor has finished a five year study on what smells have the biggest effect on New Yorkers. The smell New Yorkers like the most: vanilla. The smell New Yorkers like the least: New Jersey.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, March 30, 2010
You know how you can tell if a gas station is price-gouging? If the sign says "Open".
JAY LENO
Tonight Show, 2007
Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, August 29, 2011
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, April 24, 2012
ESPN has announced that they are launching a 3-D sports network. Industry analysts say this will absolutely revolutionize the way Americans don't watch soccer.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, January 8, 2010
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 29, 2011
Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, October 2, 2009
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show
Knowing the answer in class didn't really come easily to me. I was dyslexic, so school was never my favorite place. I was especially terrible in math. I used to put my hand up in class and ask my teacher, "Where did mathematics come from?" He would turn red. "You're not fooling anyone, Mr. Leno. Your annoying question is intended to take us off the subject; you don't care where mathematics came from!" The same teacher once wrote on my report card, "If Jay spent as much time studying as he did trying to be a comedian, he'd be a star." That confuses me to this day. How was I going to become a star without trying to be a comedian? Maybe he meant I could be some kind of math star? No thanks.
JAY LENO
Jay Leno's How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, February 13, 2012
A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, September 26, 2011
The Democratic Convention is $27 million in debt. They had to cancel the kick-off event at the Charlotte Motor Speedway. A speedway is the perfect place for the Democratic Convention. You go around in circles, turn left every few seconds, and you end up right where you started.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, June 29, 2012