psychologist & author (1944- )
Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have the right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?" Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Anger
If you want a recipe for relationship failure, just wait for the other person to change first.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, May 4, 2014
The strongest relationships are between two people who can live without each other but don't want to.
HARRIET LERNER
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, January 2, 2015
If you're married to an entrenched non-apologizer, it won't help to doggedly demand one. Some folks lack the self-esteem required to take responsibility for their less than honorable behaviors, feel remorse, and offer a heartfelt apology. And many people are so hard on themselves for the mistakes they make, they don't have the emotional room to admit vulnerability and apologize to a partner.
HARRIET LERNER
"Waiting For an Apology? Don't Hold Your Breath", Huffington Post, January 5, 2012
Judging people for whom they love (a same sex partner) rather than by whom they harm, should in itself merit a psychiatric diagnosis.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, December 20, 2013
Throughout evolutionary history, anxiety and fear have helped every species to be wary and to survive. Fear can signal us to act, or, alternatively, to resist the impulse to act. It can help us to make wise, self-protective choices in and out of relationships where we might otherwise sail mindlessly along, ignoring signs of trouble.
HARRIET LERNER
Fear and Other Uninvited Guests
Fear has never helped anybody make good choices. It leads to clinging when we should be walking.
HARRIET LERNER
"The Top 10 Reasons Women Re-Marry The Wrong Guys", Huffington Post, July 7, 2012
Marriage is the lightning rod that absorbs anxiety and stress from all other sources, past and present. When marriage has a firm foundation of solid friendship and mutual respect, it can tolerate a fair amount of raw emotion. A good fight can clear the air, and it's nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it. Many couples, however, get trapped in endless rounds of fighting and blaming that they don't know how to get out of. When fights go unchecked and unrepaired, they can eventually erode love and respect, which are the bedrock of any successful relationship.
HARRIET LERNER
Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Anger
Don't count on the power of your love or your nagging to create something that wasn't there to begin with.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, December 9, 2014
Differences don't just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Connection
No book or expert can protect us from the range of painful emotions that make us human.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Connection
Nothing you say can ensure that the other person will get it, or respond the way you want. You may never exceed his threshold of deafness.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Connection
Women ... have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Many marriages would be saved if we would only listen with the same passion that we feel about wanting to be heard.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, February 8, 2014
Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is to stop trying to be helpful.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, February 9, 2014
When you can't see yourself objectively, you won't see anyone else objectively, either.
HARRIET LERNER
Twitter post, March 26, 2014
Only through our connectedness to others can we really know and enhance the self. And only through working on the self can we begin to enhance our connectedness to others.
HARRIET LERNER
The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships
We're vulnerable to repeating history, especially if we don't know what's driving us. For example, it may be a family tradition to marry someone with addiction problems, or who is an injured bird in need of caretaking. Or, you may be drawn to guys who remind you of your distant, unavailable father -- or your ill-tempered mother -- with the unconscious belief that you can take an old story, and through the power of your love, give it a new, happy ending.
HARRIET LERNER
"The Top 10 Reasons Women Re-Marry The Wrong Guys", Huffington Post, July 7, 2012