I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.
RAY ROMANO, Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
I love how they're trying to bring culture to Vegas. Like the art museums. The Bellagio had an art museum. I get a kick out of that. C'mon. Where else in the world but Vegas could you stand in front of a Picasso with a bucket of nickels?
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.
RAY ROMANO, Everything and a Kite
For married men, I think after a while they realize the morning's your best shot. You have a higher percentage in the morning. Well, there's a couple reasons. One--she can't say she's tired really. You know, but seriously. She's had eight hours sleep.... And also, in her mind, she's thinking I'm gonna shower anyway. But the best thing you have going for you is she can't really see you yet. She could squint you into Bruno Mars if she had to.
RAY ROMANO, The Ellen Show
I have this mistress: show business. I get a lot of love and adulation from outside, and [my wife] lets me have that, while she does all the real-life stuff that counts — making sure the kids are going to school and all that. I married a saint — well, a saint who curses.
RAY ROMANO, "Ray Romano's Secret to a Happy Marriage," Redbook
I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
I feel like this is a dream – and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
If I think of myself as a comedian, as a comedian you never think you have it. It’s kind of that you’ve got two things going at once. You know you’re good but you also think you suck.
RAY ROMANO, interview, HitFix, Dec. 4, 2010
I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
RAY ROMANO, Everything and a Kite
That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.
RAY ROMANO, Everything and a Kite
Vacation sex. So much better than home sex. Yeah. Because ... there's no pressure on the guy. Even if he doesn't perform that well, she's still on vacation.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
Living with kids is like living in a frat house ... everything's broken, nobody sleeps, and there's alot of throwing up.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
If you are someone, you know, with fame, whatever amount, it's good to be married to someone who's not impressed with that at all.
RAY ROMANO, The Ellen Show
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they're born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.
RAY ROMANO, Everything and a Kite
My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.
RAY ROMANO, Everything and a Kite
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
If my father had hugged me even once, I’d be an accountant right now.
RAY ROMANO, stand-up routine
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