American comedian (1953- )
I love working for myself; it's so empowering. Except when I call in sick. I always know when I'm lying.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
When I was single, my career took priority. When I got married, my marriage was my priority. Now that I'm a mother, my daughter is my priority. When she leaves home, my dog will be my priority.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
It never felt right for me to swear on stage. I save that for my personal life.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Shecky Magazine
Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag.
RITA RUDNER
Naked Beneath My Clothes
I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue ... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'."
RITA RUDNER
Naked Beneath My Clothes
There in a nutshell was the dichotomy of fashion. Women who can afford lofty prices usually have hips. Women who are young enough to have boy-style hips usually have no money. Ursula and Mindy had discussed this irony, and Mindy had suggested inflatable hips; blow them up if you want to have children, let the air out if you're going to a party.
RITA RUDNER
Tickled Pink: A Comic Novel
For me, standup is the purest, most fun form of expression in the whole of show business. A lot of show business involves people who can't do something telling people who can do something how to do something. In standup, there's nobody between the audience and me. I'm like an Avon Lady. I go straight to the consumer.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Shecky Magazine
To me, life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
RITA RUDNER
on pregnancy, Naked Beneath My Clothes
I took over a room at the MGM Grand -- one show had moved out and its replacement wasn't coming together as quickly as they had anticipated. So they asked me whether I would like to play there for six weeks. Well, I always like to say yes as it sounds much better than no. The show was a sell-out and the run lasted six months. Then they booked some naked women from France and they needed to build new dressing rooms or something. I said: "They're naked, they don't need dressing rooms," but no-one would listen to me.
RITA RUDNER
interview, The Jewish Chronicle, May 12, 2011
If you're over fifty and still in front of the cameras, you'd better be blonder than angel food cake and thinner than angel hair pasta.
RITA RUDNER
I Still Have It ... I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
There weren't so many female comedians then so I thought it wouldn't be so crowded -- that I would have a bit more elbow room, and I was right. It was a good idea. I tell my daughter, do something that not everybody wants to do or that not everyone can do. If you're in an orchestra, be the bassoonist -- there won't be so much competition.
RITA RUDNER
interview, The Jewish Chronicle, May 12, 2011
I don't plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and ... get more feet.
RITA RUDNER
"Real Estate", Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
Twitter has allowed me to air topical jokes that occur to me. However, it's also occurred to me that I don't get paid to do this, so I'm sporadic.
RITA RUDNER
interview, Huffington Post, March 18, 2013
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine