Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Life has never given me lemons. It has given me anger issues, anxiety, a love for alcohol and a serious dislike for stupid people. But not lemons.
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Everyone is a reader.... Some just haven't found their book yet.
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Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
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During sex it's perfectly fine to say "YEAH", "YES", and "OH YES", but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "YEP"?
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I'm a nervous flyer, and it doesn't make it any easier when I get to the airport and see the sign TERMINAL.
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The hurrier I go, the behinder I get.
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Reputation is made in a moment. Character is built in a lifetime.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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You'll never find a rainbow if you're staring at your feet.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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A teenager is someone who is well prepared for a zombie attack but not ready for tomorrow's math test.
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Your body is a temple, but how long can you live in the same house before you redecorate.
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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